- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!
- You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
- Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
- I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
- I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
- I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
- Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet…
- Old age is coming at a really bad time!
- When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment… now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!
- The biggest lie I tell myself is… “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
- I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.
- Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
- Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
- Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
- At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
The randomness of Dave Tavres…